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‘Game of Thrones’ houses as college football teams

The show and the sport are basically the same anyway.

The time is nigh for our national obsession, the thing in which tribal organizations whose supporters grew up together and hate their rivals with a passion will vie for supremacy despite widespread disagreement over who’s actually No. 1.

Indeed, Game of Thrones is back.

We have assigned a college football program to the major Thrones houses. Spoilers follow, so don’t scroll unless you’re a) OK with that, and b) kind of a dweeb.

House Stark

That Team Up North prides itself as an honorable, morally superior organization. It engenders widespread devotion, with lots of people ready to die for it. But the house has not been able to find much happiness for many years. The leader of the family got beheaded by a southern rival when he went on the road. The Starks are Michigan.

House Lannister

Filthy rich, and the seat of true power in the realm. Knows a thing or two about having a fierce relationship with a brother. Alabama.

House Targaryen

Current leadership thinks it deserves the top spot just because an oddball predecessor used to sit on the throne. Also, this house wins battles in dramatic fashion with fire as a backdrop. LSU.

House Baratheon

The family has three brothers who have all claimed to be king:

  • One who seized power in rebellious, bad-boy fashion, killing the other powers of the day.
  • Two who spent various moments after that looking like they’d be the king forever, as they fought it out with each other and a handful of other elites.

Now they’ve had their resources usurped and are on the fringes of contention or worse. The Baratheons are Miami, Florida State, and Florida as one big group.

House Tyrell

Rich, but bad at fighting and eventually crushed by a more powerful force. Vanderbilt.

House Frey

Struck a massive blow to a dominant house a few years ago, carving up the opponent until it looked like a shell of its former self. The Freys thought they were on the way up after that. But their past misdeeds caught up with them eventually. Ole Miss.

Getty, HBO

House Arryn

Run by a young guy who’s kinda weird. Minnesota.

The Dothraki

From a place few have visited, and most don’t understand their chants at all. Texas A&M.

House Bolton

Looked the part of a national power for a while, but it turns out they can’t do anything other than prey on the less fortunate before getting clipped by someone stronger. Washington.

House Greyjoy

Located on a remote chain of islands and forgotten about by the mainland, except when it’s putting on an epic display of either the sail-and-shoot or run-and-shoot. Hawaii.

House Martell

Tathan of House Martell now plays for Miami. Next.

The Maesters

Think they’re smarter than everyone else, and spend a lot of time in proximity to the powerful without ever being on top themselves. Northwestern.

The Night’s Watch

Much better a long time ago. Run by men who swear to never get married. Notre Dame.

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